I have started this post many times the past week, and actually off and on the past year. I thought I would write this post after all of my South Dakota posts... I know the pictures are lovely and show a family that loves one another, which is true but for those of you who don't know and for our family documentation I want to be real. I wanted to share some of the hard stuff. To document it and to be honest, it's important to both Scott and I that we are open with our boys, so that they know truth. Some of you know lots of this story, some bits and pieces and some probably none. Some of you may wonder why I comment so passionately on pictures of sisters, daughters...maybe you will understand more now. Ultimately my goal is to be real.
You see when I was a little girl my big sister Kathy was my idol, confidant and everything at that point I aspired to be. I borrowed her clothes, not always with permission, I begged to be with her and her friends, I wanted to match everything she did. I dreamt of a double wedding. I dreamt of raising our families together. She is 5, almost 6, years older than I...I was in elementary school, then jr high and these feelings only grew stronger of my adoration of her. When I was in the 4th grade, my brother in the 5th we accepted Christ the same night at bible camp, Kathy was a counselor there, it was a magical moment between the 3 of us. One I will never forget. To share that with both of them...amazing.
My brother Mike is a year older than I am, and 4 years younger than Kathy. He and I have always been close, despite some fights growing up, we were almost like twins being so close in age. But he is not a "sister".
Fast forward....Kathy went away to Bowdoin College in Maine, I was in the 8th grade. It was HARD...I missed her so very much. Then she went away for her sophomore year again to Maine, this time she grew distant. My Dad flew out to bring her home in the spring, no one told Mike or I much. Looking back it was a very confusing time for me. She came home very depressed, angry at my parents, and Mike and me for being so close...she moved in with my Aunt and Uncle. We went to family counseling for months and months. (side note secular counseling is pretty much worthless) Months turned into years, and I will just say the "sisterhood" I dreamt of wasn't a reality. My heart hurt. I cried and cried and cried. Lots of loss and sadness.
I am going to fast forward through about twenty years...I will leave out the many details but Kathy has had many ups and downs. She has moved often and had many relationships. She has had 2 marriages and 3 beautiful children. With that there was a lot of hurt and loss for me, selfishly MY dream of a sister wasn't happening. She has had several name changes, address changes, she has been heterosexual, and she has been a lesbian... And about 5 years ago she decided she felt like she was a "man" and called to tell me that. GULP....I sobbed and told her I wasn't sure if I could ever talk to her again or see her. My heart broke in a million pieces. This was NOT what I had planned. "Transgender" was not something on my radar of understanding or tolerance. I was a mess, AN absolute mess. I called on my close friends to pray for me. Scott and I prayed, I cried, we prayed more, I cried more...my heart ached for my Mom, my Dad and selfishly me. How could this be? This is certainly not what God had planned for my dream of "sisters", this felt like the final straw in years of loss of that relationship. I was angry. So angry...not at God, I knew he was still God and that none of this surprised Him, but at the fact that I didn't have a "sister" that she didn't want to be my sister. That she was moving to California, that she was moving away from her children. I was a Mom, I couldn't understand how you could do that. My heart broke for her kids...yes they all have loving Dad's but how could she leave them. I told her I didn't know if I could ever talk to her again...I didn't think I could ever handle seeing her differently.
It was almost a death to me, the death of a dream really. And a lot of grieving went along with it for me, and for my family. We didn't tell the boys anything other than Aunt Kathy lives a long ways away. Then after over a year of not speaking to her, and making sure I was never in MN when she was....I heard God telling me...it was time. It was time to just LOVE...time to not judge....time to let go of my own selfish thoughts and to show Jesus love. It was time for me to face her new voice...that was the first step for me. So on her birthday....a couple of years ago now, I texted her. "Happy Birthday, I want to talk to you but I am scared to hear your voice"...(testosterone would have changed it surely) she texted back. "should I call and leave you a message so you can listen first"...I thought that was a great idea. So she did. I listened, I was home alone at the time, it was evening, Max was asleep. I prayed...and I called her.
That went well and we continued to talk off and on...I shared my sadness, my loss, my hurt for our parents, for her children....she listened and shared her hurt for my cutting her off and not accepting who she believes that she is. Fair. I told her I prayed for her daily...that my love never ended for her. And despite my lack of understanding that I would love her no matter what.
We shared with the boys. We shared from the bible. We shared that we are called to LOVE no matter what. We are called to be examples of Jesus. I told them I had not been doing that towards her, and that it was time to just LOVE and show compassion. We told the boys the truth, and they put together lots of pieces of why Mom cried at certain things, a lot...why tears filled my eyes whenever I spoke of sisters....why my heart ached so much. And why it was SO IMPORTANT to their Dad and me that they loved and accepted each other NO MATTER WHAT.
We saw each other later that year in Washington DC for our Uncle's memorial service at Arlington National Cemetery....it was hard to see her. Hard stuff friends...but we made it and we continue to. We spent the weekend in South Dakota, no it wasn't easy. Yes my Mom came down with shingles, yes I met my brother late one night to talk and to be reassured that things are okay, YES I needed some "emergency" prayer to get me thought it. No I don't understand but I know that God does. And while many times I have to literally pray anxiety away, pray my anger and sadness away...ultimately our family is going to be a family that LOVES, that shows COMPASSION, that is an example to others. Especially to her children...
So while in photos things look perfect and color coordinated...know there is a lot of real there. And when you see the picture of the 5 of us...and it looks like I have 2 brothers...it makes my heart ache too, it always will I think. But through the beard, and the man...I see my sisters eyes.
You see when I was a little girl my big sister Kathy was my idol, confidant and everything at that point I aspired to be. I borrowed her clothes, not always with permission, I begged to be with her and her friends, I wanted to match everything she did. I dreamt of a double wedding. I dreamt of raising our families together. She is 5, almost 6, years older than I...I was in elementary school, then jr high and these feelings only grew stronger of my adoration of her. When I was in the 4th grade, my brother in the 5th we accepted Christ the same night at bible camp, Kathy was a counselor there, it was a magical moment between the 3 of us. One I will never forget. To share that with both of them...amazing.
Matching Swim Suits
Mt Rushmore circa 1977
My brother Mike is a year older than I am, and 4 years younger than Kathy. He and I have always been close, despite some fights growing up, we were almost like twins being so close in age. But he is not a "sister".
4th grade
6th grade
(summer after 7th grade for me)
I am going to fast forward through about twenty years...I will leave out the many details but Kathy has had many ups and downs. She has moved often and had many relationships. She has had 2 marriages and 3 beautiful children. With that there was a lot of hurt and loss for me, selfishly MY dream of a sister wasn't happening. She has had several name changes, address changes, she has been heterosexual, and she has been a lesbian... And about 5 years ago she decided she felt like she was a "man" and called to tell me that. GULP....I sobbed and told her I wasn't sure if I could ever talk to her again or see her. My heart broke in a million pieces. This was NOT what I had planned. "Transgender" was not something on my radar of understanding or tolerance. I was a mess, AN absolute mess. I called on my close friends to pray for me. Scott and I prayed, I cried, we prayed more, I cried more...my heart ached for my Mom, my Dad and selfishly me. How could this be? This is certainly not what God had planned for my dream of "sisters", this felt like the final straw in years of loss of that relationship. I was angry. So angry...not at God, I knew he was still God and that none of this surprised Him, but at the fact that I didn't have a "sister" that she didn't want to be my sister. That she was moving to California, that she was moving away from her children. I was a Mom, I couldn't understand how you could do that. My heart broke for her kids...yes they all have loving Dad's but how could she leave them. I told her I didn't know if I could ever talk to her again...I didn't think I could ever handle seeing her differently.
It was almost a death to me, the death of a dream really. And a lot of grieving went along with it for me, and for my family. We didn't tell the boys anything other than Aunt Kathy lives a long ways away. Then after over a year of not speaking to her, and making sure I was never in MN when she was....I heard God telling me...it was time. It was time to just LOVE...time to not judge....time to let go of my own selfish thoughts and to show Jesus love. It was time for me to face her new voice...that was the first step for me. So on her birthday....a couple of years ago now, I texted her. "Happy Birthday, I want to talk to you but I am scared to hear your voice"...(testosterone would have changed it surely) she texted back. "should I call and leave you a message so you can listen first"...I thought that was a great idea. So she did. I listened, I was home alone at the time, it was evening, Max was asleep. I prayed...and I called her.
That went well and we continued to talk off and on...I shared my sadness, my loss, my hurt for our parents, for her children....she listened and shared her hurt for my cutting her off and not accepting who she believes that she is. Fair. I told her I prayed for her daily...that my love never ended for her. And despite my lack of understanding that I would love her no matter what.
We shared with the boys. We shared from the bible. We shared that we are called to LOVE no matter what. We are called to be examples of Jesus. I told them I had not been doing that towards her, and that it was time to just LOVE and show compassion. We told the boys the truth, and they put together lots of pieces of why Mom cried at certain things, a lot...why tears filled my eyes whenever I spoke of sisters....why my heart ached so much. And why it was SO IMPORTANT to their Dad and me that they loved and accepted each other NO MATTER WHAT.
We saw each other later that year in Washington DC for our Uncle's memorial service at Arlington National Cemetery....it was hard to see her. Hard stuff friends...but we made it and we continue to. We spent the weekend in South Dakota, no it wasn't easy. Yes my Mom came down with shingles, yes I met my brother late one night to talk and to be reassured that things are okay, YES I needed some "emergency" prayer to get me thought it. No I don't understand but I know that God does. And while many times I have to literally pray anxiety away, pray my anger and sadness away...ultimately our family is going to be a family that LOVES, that shows COMPASSION, that is an example to others. Especially to her children...
So while in photos things look perfect and color coordinated...know there is a lot of real there. And when you see the picture of the 5 of us...and it looks like I have 2 brothers...it makes my heart ache too, it always will I think. But through the beard, and the man...I see my sisters eyes.
Oh, Susan....I cannot even imagine how hard this has been for you and your family. I completely admire the way you have chosen to show love and acceptance. I like real/genuine/honest and thank God for always showing up for us, especially in the hard stuff. God is in control. I think we all have family stories behind color coordinated pictures, and in this imperfect world we live in there will always be things we wished were more as we would paint them ourselves. I know that is true for me as well. In the end...loving each other is all that matters. <3 Thanks for sharing your heart. It is a beautiful one. <3
ReplyDeleteAs you can imagine, I am sobbing. Uncontrollably. This was beautiful written. Just perfect. Family isn't perfect, non of ours are, but a perfect family would never allow us - as you say - to love like Jesus. Perfection is the easy route. Pain and bumps are when we learn how to live it out. I love you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI love you. So proud of you for writing this out...I know it was hard.
ReplyDeleteWhen I saw this picture before, I hadn't noticed that you and your mom are holding hands. ♥
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard road. And what courage to write it all down and share it. I would bet at sometime you will get to help someone else that is having to walk a similar road. That will make all the tears and heartache worth it. God always makes us grow through the difficult times but it is always so worth it. Nothing we would choose, but so worth it.
ReplyDelete