Gratefulness, Balance, New Chore Plan and Ships Passing in the Night

Wow that is quite the blog post title.....

A few things I want to touch on while I am thinking over them tonight, before I fall asleep.  Being home from Costa Rica has been an odd MishMash of stuff for me.  I have been emotional over so much.  It is a hard transition to come home. It's hard to explain.  After such a life changing experience it's hard...hard to explain in a few words what the trip was like.  Hard to answer "how was your vacation?" question (yes someone did ask me that)...hmm not a vacation.  Hard for me when people don't want to know the little details and the friends of mine that have wanted to hear the details, I am too busy to meet with them and share.  I look at our country and our "stuff" and part of me wants to choke, and part of my has a full grateful heart?  See what I mean?  MishMash.  (not a word)  Part of me feels like I live in a mansion, and it's too much.  And part of me is so grateful.  Part of me feels like a BIG chunk of my heart is in Limon Costa Rica, I want to know how those kids are, I want to pray for them.  I miss their smiles and hugs.  But a HUGE part of me is so happy to be home, have MY boys, have their smiles and their arms around me.

I am struggling to find balance.  Balance in our house, balance with our boys, balance with my blossoming "hobby" photography business which has been more of a full time job these past 2 months. Grateful?  Yes.  Overwhelmed?  Yes.  Keeping up with 8-10 shoots a week is proving to kill me.  I LOVE taking the photos, but finding time to edit them in this busy home of mine....is HARD.  And I like to do things well, every time.  So that takes TIME and this is where my balance is off.  I find myself at my computer nearly every minute I am home.  I don't like that.  Max has watched far too much tv this fall.  I haven't even taken our boys, or even Max, to the pumpkin patch this year.  Enter Mommy guilt here....  That's too busy.  He is coughing today, and felt warmish at bedtime, and it makes me sad to think that I don't want him sick because I don't have time for that right now.  Sad I know, but true.

Our house is a mess, and I really mean a MESS.  I searched Pinterest the other day for chore ideas for teenagers (could have cleaned during that time I know)....it isn't even "chores" I need them to do, it's just picking up THEIR stuff, and maybe stuff that isn't theirs that they are walking over, walking by, passing on the steps or moving from their bed to their window seats instead of putting away.  Changing a light bulb they noticed was out...do you realize I came home to changing 11 lightbulbs?  NOT kidding.   I cannot keep up on my own, and I shouldn't have to.  I am struggling with this one.  I need to enlist ideas... anyone??  it overwhelms me...and I really mean that.  I am NOT one that lives well in disorder.  It makes me crabby...enter more Mom guilt here.  But I cannot do it.  There must be a new plan.  Enter guilt again....we live in a beautiful home, with so many material goods...yet I just came home from a third world country where people live in shacks with nothing.  See...goes back to balance, gratefulness and MishMash.  I am ALL over the place here friends...

And lastly, my Love and I are ships passing in the night right now.  Fall is always hard for us.  So many Buckeye games and Buckeye weekends with the boys...grateful for that, but balance?  Scott has been traveling a lot for work, (grateful for work, not complaining) Costa Rica trip...Think he and I have been in the same bed 6 nights this month, out of 27...not a joke. That makes life hard, and for me, I find it hard to stay connected through 10 minute phone calls here and there that tend to be interrupted 20 times by someone needing something.  That's a girl thing I am sure...the emotional "stuff".  I feel like I cannot keep up with the boys, their school activities, their sports, their wanting to "talk" and "share" with me...it's not good.

Mix in some other stressful parts of early October and I am finding myself exhausted in every single sense of the word.  I can hardly stay awake past 10 pm.    But then I find myself awake in the night, making lists of what need to be done.  Crazy?

So not sure where this post is going...but for me, I find it therapeutic to write things out and to be real...and to make sure that I am who I am.  Hopefully I am not going crazy, and hopefully things will settle down soon.  They need to, we need more balance.  Most of all I want to be a good wife and a good Mom and I want to honor God in all I do....I don't want to blink and have these years gone and be filled with guilt and regret.  

I want to live like this....

Costa Rica...Friday/Saturday "Rafting and Headed Home"

Our last day in Costa Rica was designed for relaxation and enjoying of the country.  We had to be on the bus by 5:15 am to head to the White Water Rafting center, we had the choice of Zip lining, Nature Walk or White Water Rafting.  11 member of our team chose the rafting...8 of us on the lesser rapids, and the other 3 went on the wilder ride.

We had a great breakfast and from there we headed in a Van with our raft loaded on top, it was a short drive.  Part way there the guides stopped the van and hopped out, in the middle of the jungle...there were white faced monkeys in the wild, several of them jumping from tree to tree.  It was amazing.  The guides then drove us the rest of the way...they found a red frog that made the loudest noise for being the smallest frog.  Sadly, I didn't have my phone or my camera along.  I know, I know Dad...keep some things to memory, not EVERYTHING needs to be photographed.  You are right and I consciously tried to pay attention to the beauty we were surrounded by.

We lowered the raft off of the roof, well the guys all did including Drew....and some how I was volunteered into being in the front of the raft with our friend Steve as a leader in the raft, more like the person who would get drenched the fastest.  I was soaked.  And that water was COLD, but it was wonderful to be cold for a change.  The landscape was SO beautiful, trees, cliffs, mountains, rapids.  We stopped along the path and the guide took this photo...he found fresh pineapple for a snack...and we found a sloth in a tree and some very cool plants.

The trees were literally growing out of the water, their roots part way in the water.  Steve reminded us of the verse in Jeremiah.

After the trip...we made it!

After rafting we headed to San Jose....a long 5 hour bus ride later, due to traffic.  We stopped at a market quick for souvenirs and headed to our hotel.  Early morning flights....up at 3:30 am.  Leaving hotel at 4:15.  LONG layover in Atlanta and home by 8:45 pm

San Jose Airport

 Atlanta Airport, the Des Moines kids and our fearless leader Amy...parting ways. After several hours in Buffalo Wild Wings and a Buckeye WIN against Iowa we headed home.  My parents were at the airport to greet us, as were Max and Jack.  Scott and Tommy were still in Ohio from their Buckeye weekend.  SO happy to get my arms around my boys again.  And this is how we fell asleep.

The trip of a lifetime...so much going through my head and my heart.

"Don't come home with a baby"

So before we left for Costa Rica, my dear husband and my son Jack, asked me if I was going to bring a baby home with me.  Scott actually asked me not to....think he knows how overwhelmed my days are right now.  In Jack's letter to me that I received while in Costa Rica he specifically asked my how the babies were.  Knowing, or thinking I should say, that I would be yearning to bring home a baby.  I honestly think Scott's biggest concern with this trip, was that I would come home wanting another baby.

Here is the weird thing, I didn't want to bring home a baby.  But what I wanted to bring home was another teenage son.  If I could have packed Maykol (14) into my suitcase I would have, perhaps that wouldn't have gone over well when I landed back home...but I felt connected to him.  I wanted him to have a Mom.  I wanted him to have brothers.  I wanted him to be able to play soccer on grass, on a team.  I wanted him to go to school.  I wanted him to laugh and have pizza, and eat cookie dough, and go fishing, and be tucked in at night. I wanted him to have hugs and kisses, to know unconditional love, I wanted him to have Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, to celebrate Christmas, to go to a Homecoming dance, to pick out a new pair of shoes, to go to a Buckeye game.   If adoption from Costa Rica were as easy as packing him up, I honestly would have done that.  Nope I didn't long for a baby...I longed for a teenage boy.  sigh...my heart still aches for him every single day since we have been home.  I cannot explain it.  I dreamt of him last night, dreamt he was on an airplane coming to Des Moines.  I think of him when I see grass, and our backyard, I thought of him at church last night at our Great Pumpkin Party, what would he dress up as...or would he not?  What would he think of our youth minister, would he learn to love Jesus?  I thought of how he needs a Dad like Scott...one who is black and white.  One who is stearn, but loves our boys so so deeply ALL the time, who cries when they fail, who cries when they succeed.  I want that for Maykol.

I miss his sweet smile, his beautiful teeth, his gentle voice...I love that boy.  See what God can do in 5 days with a heart?

Costa Rica....Thursday "Splashing, Tears and Silly Bands"

Thursday.

Thursday was our last day with the kids. It was pool/beach day.  The kids were all bused from Limon to Puerto Viejo to meet us at a local hotel who agreed to host us for the day.  It was exciting.  The kids were so excited to get out of the PANI home.  They only do the pool trips when Visiting Orphans trips are in town. The last VO group was in August so they were so excited.

They came with big smiles on their faces, a few had swimming suits but most just swam in their clothing.  Our friends, the Duricks, brought along 200 pool squirt toys.  Oh my were they ever a hit.  Considering there were 32 kids that were able to come to the pool we had plenty to go around.  I loved throwing them into the pools and watching the kids grab them.  Interestingly originally they were almost fighting over them but then they realized that there were more than enough and just relaxed and had fun.

We spent the entire morning playing in the pool.  My buddy Maykol (Michael) completely connected with our friend Steve in only the way boys can and that was wrestling. They must have wrestled in the pool for 2 straight hours.  I found myself watching Maykol all day. Making sure he was ok. Watching his reactions to everything.  Drew reminded me at one point not to play favorites.  Boy that's hard.  I found myself with favorites in each age.  Little Valeria who is 4 melted my heart, she is spunky and sassy in a darling way...she reminds me so much of our 5 year old Niece Alice.  I love that age.  I love their independence.  Then there was Daniel 7. He was my right hand photographer friend.  Always wanting pictures taken. Always wanting my phone to take pictures.  Always ready for hugs and kisses .    Then there was Marlon, 11-12 years old. Just a quiet prescience but always beaming when noticed. And of course Maykol my 14 year old son.

What a joy to see these children today. To know their names. To know their loves and their friends.   To see into their hearts. How I will miss them. How I wish they could all be my Pen pals. They were kids today. Playing and giggling. Splashing, eating pizza and drinking Fresca (pop). We played a fun game Makila had found with Oreo's as well.  They laughed and laughed.  I think Oreo's are a universal love.

We spent part of the morning assembling gift bags. Oh that's my love language.  Love giving gifts. One of the people on our trip Amy, her mom crochet a washcloth for each child. There were no two alike.  And several of us had items we donated.  There were pool toys, books, glow sticks, balls, Lego kits, nail polish, make up, markers, washi tape and beanie babies. It was so much fun to label the bags and stuff them for each child.  It was even more fun to give them to the kids in the afternoon.  

After taking a group photo we had the kids line up on the wall and one by one we called them up by name and cheered for them.  One at a time, we hooted and hollered when their names were called.  Some were embarrassed but at the same time how often do you think they get called up INDIVIDUALLY and cheered for just being them.  They ate it up.  It was wonderful.  I don't know whose idea that was but it was brilliant.  

I LOVED how excited each of them were.  It blew me away.  It was like Christmas morning.  But Christmas morning with a bag filled with less than $10 per bag.  But that didn't matter.  It was the kinds of stuff that our kids get on a normal trip to Target, it choked me up.  It made me think.  How do we spend our money?  What really matters?  ugh my heart is being chipped away at. 

Then came the time of day we all dreaded...they had to leave and we had to say goodbye.  And if you know me at all you know I cry ALL the time so this would be ugly.  I didn't want to have the kids see me cry.  I walked out with a couple of them...and the rest were already on the busy.  I reached my hands into their windows for last kisses, high fives...smiles.  There were two buses, one with the younger kids and a smaller van with the teenage boys.  I could hardly look at them, at Maykol.  I struggled.  I reached my hand into Maykol and squeezed his.  He hardly looked up, but I could see tears in his eyes.  I could see disappointment..  While it was a blessed week, we are leaving.  It's back to normal for them.  After a week of fun, it's back to the routine.  He had opened himself up to love...he loved Steve today, he loved having someone wrestle with...it's touch.  He had opened up to me.  He knew I was a softie for him, that I would hand him pizza, give him a large pop...  Then I went to the next bus again to try to regain my composure and Maria Jesus (13-14)...motioned for me to come and hug her.  She then put her silly band pink bracelet onto my wrist and told me to keep it.  Ugh...my heart.  These kids have nothing of their own, and she gave me hers.  Not sure I will take it off, it will have to break first.

We came here to show love and to be love.  Go.Be.Love is the motto for Visiting Orphans.  It's why we were here.  And we did that.  We gave it our all.  We showed love to each and every child there.  May they never forget that and may they someday understand that it was not from our strength we could do that...it was through loving Jesus that we could represent Him, in a small way, to these children.  That the glory of the trip would go to Him...may we please and honor Him with our week.  

    

Costa Rica...Wednesday "Really God? More Boys?"

Let me start this off with my love of babies...I used to play "orphanage" when I was a little girl, lining up my dolls in our guest room bed and taking care of all of them.  I never thought twice about what I would be doing in Costa Rica...you would be able to find me, with the babies.  Feeding them, rocking them, changing them.  I couldn't wait to get my hands on each and every one.  And I did...the first day there.  I stayed in the baby cottage holding and rocking and even feeding them.  I was the only one in there for a long time.  Just as I had planned....that is the part I need to re read "I had planned"....But God,  He had different plans.  And we had been praying that God would use us as He desired.  And WOW did he ever.  But not with babies.

It's Wednesday and we are tired, I mean T-I-R-E-D.  The heat is growing hard, at least for me. Last night we were blessed with "letters from home", how fun to open up letters from each of my boys back home.  To feel rejuvenated and loved and prayed for.  It's been hard to stay in touch, the time difference, the wifi not always working for facetime...just hard.  So the letters felt like a connection to home.  

Today was our last day in the orphanage, tomorrow if pool/beach day.  We had lots of projects to finish up.  Some of the kids were in school and missed the journal project, the pillow project...today we also had play doh to make and canvas bags for each child to decorate.  

Getting off of the bus this morning we were met by an onslaught of kids...most all of them were down to the bus as soon as they heard us coming.  I love to watch them run down the hill towards the bus in the morning.  I love to see the teenagers casually looking cool as they walk towards us, or wait for Drew and Seth to come out with balls to play more soccer.  I LOVE that time of day.  This morning we were greeted with lots of hugs...in particular lots of kids really wanted to be held.  And held they were. I watched Tatiana, who seems to have attached herself to my friend Makila and  her son Seth, another girl for them...they are so natural with  her and she "pretended" to fall asleep in Makila's arms...for a LONG time.  And Belinda, she attached herself to Bre, one of the single young women on our trip...she called her "Gringo Mama"  or American Mom.  Ugh that about tore your heart out.  She had tears in her eyes as Bre held her for a very long time.   We had planned to start out with a game, but that wasn't what God had planned.  He had it planned that kids would get affection and love.  That's what they were wanting this morning.  

We then headed towards our activities for the day, and I started printing pictures at a tiny kids table in one of the houses.  The kids who didn't get journals done yesterday had their pictures taken and I printed them for the cover of their books.  These journals are SUCH a hit, the kids carry them around and treasure them.  Who knew?  God.

After lunch we had a bible story  and skit about Jesus healing Jairus' daughter where our friend and team member Kim shared a very personal story that tied into the bible story.  She shared how her father had prayed that God would reveal himself to him...and long story short....she was run over by a car at age 2 and God healed her and he showed her dad that He is real.  I didn't do the story justice, but it is a captivating story that makes me tear up thinking about it.  And you could have heard a pin drop in that room, those kids listened to every single word.  

The afternoon consisted of me taking more photos and printing photos...pretty much all afternoon long. I missed the sidewalk chalk, the nail painting, the make up session, the hair do's....the girly stuff...and I missed holding babies...and it dawned on me as I stood in the hot kitchen surrounded by....boys....and several teenage boys...one in particular, Maykol...my friend who helped me paint the day before. He didn't leave my side all afternoon long. Could God have me here for something completely different that I had expected?  YES!  Really?  God really?  Boys??  Daniel, Maykol, Agustin, Kevin, Eddie...more boys? God has me here to be with boys...to love on boys who don't have Moms with them.  To laugh with them.  To give them the "mom" eye when they aren't being kind to each other, to show them how "Guapo" they are (handsome) in their photos, to use my love of photography to bless them with photos.  God has me here to connect with boys.  Never would I have expected that.  

Our friend Steve wrote a powerful blog post title "Power of a Mother" at the end of today, and I posted it earlier.  Go here to re read it.  And good luck not crying.  

Knowing we wouldn't see the babies tomorrow at pool day, they don't bring the littlest ones there.  I went to the baby house to say goodbye.  I found Morgan and Emma there as well as our friend Tammy.  I was so choked up.  I had hardly spent time in there yet my heart broke.  I thought of the HOURS I held my boys, rocked my boys, napped with them....and here were kids all over the room, some sleeping on the sofa, some in pack n plays...some crying, some not.  Ugh...heart ache.  In my pretend "orphanage" growing up all of the babies were happy and loved on....this hurt.  And sweet Edmond...a 2 year old boy who was there last year so several of our team members are attached to him from their visit last year...he had an ear infection so he wasn't allowed outside that day.  And all he wanted to do was go outside.  The door was wide open, it was hot...and the Tia's wanted him inside all day.  Ugh...at one point he was placed in a high chair as a "time out" for trying to go outside...and sweet Morgan (13) looked at me with tears in her eyes and SO full of compassion....and asked me if she could get him out. Once I realized he wasn't in the high chair to eat, and knowing it was our last day, and knowing how very much those Durick girls adore him I told her YES take him out.  I wish I could have captured the look in her eyes, and in her sister Emma's eyes when we were in there.  The compassion they have towards these children is FAR beyond their years.  They hurt for these babies, they hurt watching them be woken up by Tia's in a way that wasn't terribly nurturing.  In defense of the Tia's...these women are wonderful, they leave their own families to work here for 5 days in a row and 2 days off...they do love them.  I don't want to misrepresent that...but when you are used to having Moms who sweetly and gently wake up up, or ooze nurture like their own Mom, my dear Jen, in particular...it's hard.  It was a tough Good bye for all.  

 posted this for the background...my spot in the kitchen with Maykol and Agustine