How to Love Your Adult Children Really Well

This was a blog post I found earlier today and wanted to get it on my blog, so I would have it to refer back to.  Sure wish I could have kept up with the blog the past few years...but alas I have had to let that go.  Thankfully I have Instagram for my daily diary.

How to Love Your Adult Children Really Well

♥ Pray for your adult children and their children.

I’ve always asked God to bless and protect my children. Since watching the movie, War Room, I’m getting very specific in my prayer requests for them. I want to be in the battle for my children and grandchildren.

♥ Tell your adult children you love them. 

Often! They simply never outgrow the need to hear the words, “I love you.” Think about it. You know it’s true.

♥ Forgive the past. 

Sure they messed up. They may have messed up BIG, but forgive and believe God is able to work His plans and purposes in them. Believe in their hope-filled future.

♥ Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. – 

Your adult children are on their own. Deeply personal questions can come with answers that make you uncomfortable. Do you really want to know about your child’s sex life? Finances? Or the details from last Saturday night? If they want to talk about it, be a good listener but don’t ask.

♥ Give your adult children room to grow and grow up.

Everyone changes. Admit it. You’re still growing and learning. You don’t have everything figured out. Neither do your children. But they’re learning and growing . . . that’s what’s important.

♥ Remember, it’s okay to say ‘no.’

They’re adults. You don’t have to say yes to every request for money or childcare or….

♥ Refuse to manipulate your adult children with guilt.

They didn’t call. It’s okay. Maybe they’re busy. Maybe they’re REALLY busy. Give them grace, then remember phones go both ways. Call them. Better yet, text them. It only takes a minute to type, “I love you.” And remember . . . it’s okay for them to say ‘no’ too.

♥ Give your adult children the freedom to make life choices.

Career? Where they’ll live? Who they date or marry? You know you have opinions, but it’s their life. Don’t pressure them or make them feel you’ll be disappointed in them or that you won’t be there for them if they choose “poorly.”

♥ Give your adult children freedom over the holidays.

Balancing relationships is challenging. Remember what it was like when you were trying to please your parents and your in-laws? Maybe you still are. It’s okay to celebrate on a day other than the holiday itself. The important thing is enjoying time together not when you do it.

♥ Give your adult children a verbal pat on the back. 

They still want to know you’re proud of them and think they’re doing a good job. Tell them. 

♥ Respect their parenting decisions.

If they say no sugar don’t try to sneak your grandchild a cookie. If their boundaries are too rigid or not rigid enough for you they are the parents. You had your turn. And NEVER disagree with their parenting approach in front of your grandchild!

♥ Offer a listening ear with a tender heart.

They don’t always need advice. Most of the time they just need to know you care and that you’re listening. You don’t have to have all the answers. Just be available.

♥ Toughen up. Avoid giving in to hurt feelings.

They probably hurt your feelings occasionally when they lived at home and it’s possible they’ll say or do something that hurts after they’re grown. They’re not perfect. Neither are you. Let it slide.

♥ Respect their boundaries and expect them to respect yours.

Boundaries are good for all relationships. It’s important for parents and adult children to have boundaries too. Call before you drop in. Ask don’t expect. Define off-limits topics. And expect respectful conversations.

♥ Pray again. 

Life is moving at an amazing speed for your children. They need your prayers more than ever and more often than you think.

Let me be perfectly honest with you.

I didn’t get here quickly. You won’t either.

I spent the years raising our children completely invested. I gave it my all, and I in all honesty, I didn’t really want to let go.

But… it wasn’t about me.

It’s about allowing them to become and be the people God created them to be and sometimes the best way to do that is to simply get out of the way and let Him do His work.

Always remember…

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

God will give you all you need to be the parents your adult children need. Remember He got you here. He got them here.

His grace really is sufficient!

Dear Younger Me

...almost exactly a year since my last blog post.  Oh how I have great intentions to stay up to date here.  But alas I don't.  I am grateful for Instagram and my chatbooks...they keep track of the day to day.

A friend asked me if I would send her an encouraging note as her baby is off to kindergarten this week.  She was looking for any nuggets of wisdom...I have been thinking about it for almost 3 weeks, what to say to her...and basically I decided it was what I would say to a younger "me".  So I wrote it from that perspective.  I wanted to keep a copy of it here for me...so that I could later look back on it. And truthfully I don't remember if this blog is set up to send out my posts to others...so if it is and you are getting this random blog post from me...sorry to clog your email.

Dear Younger Me,

When your baby heads off to Kindergarten you will be okay…actually you will be shocked that what you thought was your LAST baby…really isn’t.  lol  So…then when another 6 year passes and you really send your baby off to Kindergarten you will be okay, and you won’t have any more babies.  Your kids still need you, they will always need you.  

You don’t need to get a “job”, you have one,  and you are their Mom. If you want to get a job, or work, you can…but don’t ever feel like you don’t have a job that is valuable and important.  

Enjoy your days, try to get as much done during them so that when the kids come home at night you can focus on them. Have lunch with your friends, enjoy reconnecting to them….enjoy your leisure time.  Don’t feel guilty about it.

Volunteer to watch friends little ones still at home…while they go and do whatever they want.  Remember the days when you just wanted an hour to do whatever you wanted and couldn’t…tell them they can stay home and nap…that you don’t care. You just want to give them a break.  You remember those days…

Listen, really listen, when they get home from school.  Read between the lines if you must and allow them days off when they need them.  Don’t ever strive for perfect school attendance, it just isn’t worth it.

Be at their class parties…volunteer in the library…but don’t over do it.  It is great for your kids to see you at their school and serving…but it is also great for them to know you have other interests.  

As your kids get older they will still need you to listen, with boys the best time for deep conversations are on car rides, when they are in the back seat and don’t have to look you in the eye. Allow them to ask whatever questions they choose and don’t ever giggle at them.  Simply answer them honestly and straightforward.  Let them know they can ask you anything. 

As they get even older, make an excuse to take them shopping, or to lunch, or on an errand just to give you that one on one time and space in the car for conversation, away from their siblings.   That is when they will tell you the most.  

Let go a little at a time, a little bit like a kite string.  Slowly, and safely…. sometimes you may have to reel the string back in a bit…but then you will let it go.  It is SO hard to not be able to control the kite and protect it from everything…but you will be okay.

Let your kids make mistakes, let them try to bake on their own, or do laundry on their own, or make a decision with money that you know isn’t wise.  But let them fail.  They will learn from it.  Be there to pick them back up, but allow the failures.  

Remember that God loves them more than you do. Some days that is hard to ever imagine, but He does.  

Never ever stop praying for your children. Even when they act a little like they don’t need you or your prayers.  They do.  Even when they break a little piece of your heart off with decisions they make…pray for them anyways.  Love them anyways.  

Remember you are filling up their “basket” of life with all you teach them, values, morals, all you expose them to, church, school, family, friends, faith…you are filling up a basket they will take with them.   They will have to dump their basket out one day when they leave home, but they will fill it back up with many of the things you have taught them, shown them…but they will not have your exact faith and your exact basket.  That is okay.  Just keep praying.  Pray they choose God’s path…and if they don’t, love them anyways and if they do love them anyways.  They are always watching you and gauging your love for them as their Mom. Reflect Jesus to them. 

You were made for such a time as this young Mom, God will equip you if you stay near to Him.

XOXO

Susan