Wet Oatmeal Kisses by Erma Bombeck

ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU’LL EXPLODE AND SHOUT TO ALL THE KIDS,
“WHY DON’T YOU JUST GROW UP AND ACT YOUR AGE!”
AND THEY WILL…

OR, “YOU GUYS GET OUTSIDE AND FIND SOMETHING TO DO –
WITHOUT HURTING EACH OTHER.  AND DON’T SLAM THE DOOR!”
AND THEY DON’T.

YOU’LL STRAIGHTEN THEIR BEDROOMS
UNTIL IT’S ALL NEAT AND TIDY,
TOYS DISPLAYED ON THE SHELF,
HANGERS IN THE CLOSET, ANIMALS CAGED.
YOU’LL YELL, “NOW I WANT IT TO STAY THIS WAY!”
AND IT WILL…

YOU WILL PREPARE A PERFECT DINNER
WITH A SALAD THAT HASN’T HAD ALL THE OLIVES PICKED OUT
AND A CAKE WITH NO FINGER TRACES IN THE ICING
AND YOU’LL SAY, “NOW THIS IS A MEAL FOR COMPANY.”
AND YOU WILL EAT IT ALONE…

YOU’LL YELL, “I WANT COMPLETE PRIVACY ON THE PHONE.
NO SCREAMING, DO YOU HEAR ME?”
AND NO ONE WILL ANSWER.

NO MORE PLASTIC TABLECLOTHS STAINED
NO MORE DANDELION BOUQUETS.
NO MORE IRON-ON PATCHES.
NO MORE WET, KNOTTED SHOELACES,
MUDDY BOOTS OR RUBBER BANDS FOR PONYTAILS.

IMAGINE…. A LIPSTICK WITH A POINT,
NO BABYSITTERS FOR NEW YEARS EVE,
WASHING CLOTHES ONLY ONCE A WEEK,
NO PTA MEETINGS OR SILLY SCHOOL PLAYS WHERE YOUR CHILD IS A TREE,
NO CAR POOLS, BLARING STEREOS OR FORGOTTEN LUNCH MONEY.

NO MORE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS MADE OF LIBRARY PASTE AND TOOTHPICKS,
NO WET OATMEAL KISSES,
NO MORE TOOTH FAIRY,
NO MORE GIGGLES IN THE DARK,
SCRAPED KNEES TO KISS OR STICKY FINGERS TO CLEAN
ONLY A VOICE ASKING, “WHY DON’T YOU GROW UP?”
AND THE SILENCE ECHOES: “I DID.”