How to Love Your Adult Children Really Well

This was a blog post I found earlier today and wanted to get it on my blog, so I would have it to refer back to.  Sure wish I could have kept up with the blog the past few years...but alas I have had to let that go.  Thankfully I have Instagram for my daily diary.

How to Love Your Adult Children Really Well

♥ Pray for your adult children and their children.

I’ve always asked God to bless and protect my children. Since watching the movie, War Room, I’m getting very specific in my prayer requests for them. I want to be in the battle for my children and grandchildren.

♥ Tell your adult children you love them. 

Often! They simply never outgrow the need to hear the words, “I love you.” Think about it. You know it’s true.

♥ Forgive the past. 

Sure they messed up. They may have messed up BIG, but forgive and believe God is able to work His plans and purposes in them. Believe in their hope-filled future.

♥ Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. – 

Your adult children are on their own. Deeply personal questions can come with answers that make you uncomfortable. Do you really want to know about your child’s sex life? Finances? Or the details from last Saturday night? If they want to talk about it, be a good listener but don’t ask.

♥ Give your adult children room to grow and grow up.

Everyone changes. Admit it. You’re still growing and learning. You don’t have everything figured out. Neither do your children. But they’re learning and growing . . . that’s what’s important.

♥ Remember, it’s okay to say ‘no.’

They’re adults. You don’t have to say yes to every request for money or childcare or….

♥ Refuse to manipulate your adult children with guilt.

They didn’t call. It’s okay. Maybe they’re busy. Maybe they’re REALLY busy. Give them grace, then remember phones go both ways. Call them. Better yet, text them. It only takes a minute to type, “I love you.” And remember . . . it’s okay for them to say ‘no’ too.

♥ Give your adult children the freedom to make life choices.

Career? Where they’ll live? Who they date or marry? You know you have opinions, but it’s their life. Don’t pressure them or make them feel you’ll be disappointed in them or that you won’t be there for them if they choose “poorly.”

♥ Give your adult children freedom over the holidays.

Balancing relationships is challenging. Remember what it was like when you were trying to please your parents and your in-laws? Maybe you still are. It’s okay to celebrate on a day other than the holiday itself. The important thing is enjoying time together not when you do it.

♥ Give your adult children a verbal pat on the back. 

They still want to know you’re proud of them and think they’re doing a good job. Tell them. 

♥ Respect their parenting decisions.

If they say no sugar don’t try to sneak your grandchild a cookie. If their boundaries are too rigid or not rigid enough for you they are the parents. You had your turn. And NEVER disagree with their parenting approach in front of your grandchild!

♥ Offer a listening ear with a tender heart.

They don’t always need advice. Most of the time they just need to know you care and that you’re listening. You don’t have to have all the answers. Just be available.

♥ Toughen up. Avoid giving in to hurt feelings.

They probably hurt your feelings occasionally when they lived at home and it’s possible they’ll say or do something that hurts after they’re grown. They’re not perfect. Neither are you. Let it slide.

♥ Respect their boundaries and expect them to respect yours.

Boundaries are good for all relationships. It’s important for parents and adult children to have boundaries too. Call before you drop in. Ask don’t expect. Define off-limits topics. And expect respectful conversations.

♥ Pray again. 

Life is moving at an amazing speed for your children. They need your prayers more than ever and more often than you think.

Let me be perfectly honest with you.

I didn’t get here quickly. You won’t either.

I spent the years raising our children completely invested. I gave it my all, and I in all honesty, I didn’t really want to let go.

But… it wasn’t about me.

It’s about allowing them to become and be the people God created them to be and sometimes the best way to do that is to simply get out of the way and let Him do His work.

Always remember…

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

God will give you all you need to be the parents your adult children need. Remember He got you here. He got them here.

His grace really is sufficient!

Dear Younger Me

...almost exactly a year since my last blog post.  Oh how I have great intentions to stay up to date here.  But alas I don't.  I am grateful for Instagram and my chatbooks...they keep track of the day to day.

A friend asked me if I would send her an encouraging note as her baby is off to kindergarten this week.  She was looking for any nuggets of wisdom...I have been thinking about it for almost 3 weeks, what to say to her...and basically I decided it was what I would say to a younger "me".  So I wrote it from that perspective.  I wanted to keep a copy of it here for me...so that I could later look back on it. And truthfully I don't remember if this blog is set up to send out my posts to others...so if it is and you are getting this random blog post from me...sorry to clog your email.

Dear Younger Me,

When your baby heads off to Kindergarten you will be okay…actually you will be shocked that what you thought was your LAST baby…really isn’t.  lol  So…then when another 6 year passes and you really send your baby off to Kindergarten you will be okay, and you won’t have any more babies.  Your kids still need you, they will always need you.  

You don’t need to get a “job”, you have one,  and you are their Mom. If you want to get a job, or work, you can…but don’t ever feel like you don’t have a job that is valuable and important.  

Enjoy your days, try to get as much done during them so that when the kids come home at night you can focus on them. Have lunch with your friends, enjoy reconnecting to them….enjoy your leisure time.  Don’t feel guilty about it.

Volunteer to watch friends little ones still at home…while they go and do whatever they want.  Remember the days when you just wanted an hour to do whatever you wanted and couldn’t…tell them they can stay home and nap…that you don’t care. You just want to give them a break.  You remember those days…

Listen, really listen, when they get home from school.  Read between the lines if you must and allow them days off when they need them.  Don’t ever strive for perfect school attendance, it just isn’t worth it.

Be at their class parties…volunteer in the library…but don’t over do it.  It is great for your kids to see you at their school and serving…but it is also great for them to know you have other interests.  

As your kids get older they will still need you to listen, with boys the best time for deep conversations are on car rides, when they are in the back seat and don’t have to look you in the eye. Allow them to ask whatever questions they choose and don’t ever giggle at them.  Simply answer them honestly and straightforward.  Let them know they can ask you anything. 

As they get even older, make an excuse to take them shopping, or to lunch, or on an errand just to give you that one on one time and space in the car for conversation, away from their siblings.   That is when they will tell you the most.  

Let go a little at a time, a little bit like a kite string.  Slowly, and safely…. sometimes you may have to reel the string back in a bit…but then you will let it go.  It is SO hard to not be able to control the kite and protect it from everything…but you will be okay.

Let your kids make mistakes, let them try to bake on their own, or do laundry on their own, or make a decision with money that you know isn’t wise.  But let them fail.  They will learn from it.  Be there to pick them back up, but allow the failures.  

Remember that God loves them more than you do. Some days that is hard to ever imagine, but He does.  

Never ever stop praying for your children. Even when they act a little like they don’t need you or your prayers.  They do.  Even when they break a little piece of your heart off with decisions they make…pray for them anyways.  Love them anyways.  

Remember you are filling up their “basket” of life with all you teach them, values, morals, all you expose them to, church, school, family, friends, faith…you are filling up a basket they will take with them.   They will have to dump their basket out one day when they leave home, but they will fill it back up with many of the things you have taught them, shown them…but they will not have your exact faith and your exact basket.  That is okay.  Just keep praying.  Pray they choose God’s path…and if they don’t, love them anyways and if they do love them anyways.  They are always watching you and gauging your love for them as their Mom. Reflect Jesus to them. 

You were made for such a time as this young Mom, God will equip you if you stay near to Him.

XOXO

Susan

"Mommy, Will You Lay with Me?"

Reminder for myself....by Becky Mansfield

Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him in… “Mommy, will you lay with me?”  I am sad now thinking that most nights my answer is this:  “Just for a second, sweetie.  I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.  I have to clean up the kitchen.   I have to work on my notes for work.  Daddy and I are going to eat dinner, since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight….”   whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second.  Other things are coming first.”

 know, I know… as parents, we can’t lie there all night.   He would expect this, as would all of our kids.  “You give an inch, they take a mile”.   We think we will lie down for 5 minutes, they want 20.  We give 20, they want 40.

But… Do you know what?   This is when the good stuff comes out.    This is when I hear all of those details that almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.

“So & So told me that I was cute today.  How disgusting.  Right, Mom?”

“Today we had a math test and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one, because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play.  Did I tell you about the play?”

“I miss our dog.  Do all dogs die of cancer?   When do you think we can get another one?”

“Mom, you know how you told me that during wrestling practice I should try to help both brothers uplifted?  Cheer them on and run with them?  Today I did.  I ran right beside them, just like you and Dad told me. I think it made them feel better.  B said that his stomach hurt from running and I told him that if he wanted to slow down, I would slow down with him, even though running that slow is REALLY boring, Mom!”

These are the things that happen when we put aside everything else.  These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.

My grandma used to tell me to enjoy our kids when we had them.  She would say that she didn’t know why people would have kids if they didn’t get to spend time with them.  She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.

My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us.   It breaks my heart to think of this, but you know what? …

That day IS NOT TODAY

TODAY, I will lie down with him when he asks me to, and with all four of our children.  I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs).

And do you know what?

If it adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say: TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO MEAnd do you know what?

In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is a grown boy, getting ready to head off to start his own life and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with MEfor a moment… and he does.

We only have a few years to really be present in their lives.   Let’s spend these years wisely.

Letter to Drew

This letter came from Drew's former basketball coach...I wanted to post it here for safe keeping!

SO proud of this boy and SO grateful God chose ME to be his Mom!

This is the stuff that matters in life...

Powerful Words

Sometimes the most powerful of words can come from the most surprising voice of all...the voice of a teenage girl who's own dad lives in heaven.

Backing up a bit, Thursday was Mom's birthday.  I like to spend her birthdays spreading joy to others, flowers, cookies, Starbucks, hugs...handwritten notes, just little things to brighten peoples day for no reason other than choosing joy on what could be a sad day.

The day was wonderful and amazing, and exhausting.  But I honored Mom from the moment I awoke until I shut my eyes that day.  And many other friends spread joy in her honor as well.

But the most amazing words came the next day, via text from a girl named Sarah...

I am putting them here because I don't want to forget them, and forget how God is using this sadness and pain in my heart for His glory and good.

Sigh...I sent it onto a few in my tribe and they continued to pour sweet words over my heart.  Attaching below so I don't forget theirs either.

If there is one thing that really matters to my heart it is that God is glorified through my Mom's death.  And that everything reflects back to Him.  That people see the beauty in dying and feel confident that JOY and SORROW can co-exist in our hearts.  That LOVE is worth pain.  

and lastly this text exchange from my dear friend Jen again...this came on Mom's bday after I just dropped off some goodies at their house. 

I don't ever want to forget to make a difference for His glory...this is the stuff that matters.  And how it all is seen through the eyes of teenagers, children and families.  May we all love better. 

Elephants

I am behind on blogging our family life, and hope to some day get back to it regularly I miss it.  But in the meantime there are things I don't want to miss filing back for my later reading and my later encouragement to myself.  Here is one of those.

It so reflects my heart this past 18 months, exactly 18 months ago today my Mama went to heaven.  And I have SO needed to be in the middle.  Some days I feel like I am coming out of the center...and there are still others where I am still flat on my face in the middle.

I have learned a lot about me these past 18 months, and what I need.  And I am working on becoming a better me through it all.  A stronger me, a more independent me, a more confident me.  I never realized how incredibly important it is to feel nurtured and to be nurtured.  That is probably my biggest longing without my Mom here.  No one nurtures like a Mom does. Yet we can all learn to nurture others, and I need that probably the most in this season of my life.

This is a beautiful reflection of that...

By: Jen Hatmaker

What are the odds of this? I am the oldest of four kids, and only the youngest is a boy. I have only girl cousins on both sides of my family. I just have nieces, no nephews, and my oldest niece has… you guessed it: two daughters. What in the actual world?

My whole life has been filled with feelings, tampons, cheerleading tryouts, sisters, Oprah’s Bra Revolution, girl movies, makeup, a lot of words, and female energy. When my husband Brandon (also no brothers) first entered our family story, he and my brother Drew immediately engaged in weird boy shenanigans my sisters and I had no category for. Why are they slapping each others’ wrists until someone gives up? Why? Why would you do that? Why are you being gross? Why are you using those words? Why is that funny? We were always perplexed.

I grew up with girls, have always been surrounded by girls, fill my life with strong women, and plan to serve them till I die. This community has always made sense to me.

A few months ago, I went down hard. Now, I am a glass-half-full optimist by any standard, beyond reason. I am like Chris Traeger from Parks and Recreation: “Isn’t language fun? It’s like racquetball! For your mouth!”  This is mainly how I operate, which I come by honestly because my dad is the most over-the-top enthusiast on the planet of earth. We’re here for the joy, people.

But I found myself at the absolute bottom, down in the sludge and muck where not even a ray of light could crack through the darkness. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating, I was barely breathing. I begged my mom to travel with me to my last few speaking events of the year, because I was so fragile and rattled, I couldn’t imagine even walking through an airport by myself. Even now looking back, I struggle to choose the right words to describe the despair, but what held it fast was this sense of being utterly alone.

On a particularly awful day, my ride-or-die friend Nichole Nordeman sent me a picture and a story. It was about female elephants, you know, as all good stories begin. See, in the wild, when a mama elephant is giving birth, all the other female elephants in the herd back around her in formation. They close ranks so the delivering mama cannot even be seen in the middle. They stomp and kick up dirt and soil to throw attackers off the scent and basically act like a pack of fierce bodyguards.

They surround the mama and incoming baby in protection, sending a clear signal to predators that if they want to attack their friend while she is vulnerable, they’ll have to get through forty tons of female aggression first.

When the baby elephant is delivered, the sister elephants do two things: they kick sand or dirt over the newborn to protect its fragile skin from the sun, and then they all start trumpeting, a female celebration of new life, of sisterhood, of something beautiful being born in a harsh, wild world despite enemies and attackers and predators and odds.

Nichole sent all this to me and said: We have you. You are never alone.

(David Yarrow Photography)

This is exactly what we do, girls. When our sisters are vulnerable, when they are giving birth to new life, new ideas, new ministries, new spaces, when they are under attack, when they need their people to surround them so they can create, deliver, heal, recover…we get in formation. We close ranks and literally have each others’ backs. We do the heavy lifting while our sister is down. You want to mess with our girl? Come through us first. Good luck.

And when delivery comes, when new life makes its entrance, when healing finally begins, when the night has passed our sister is ready to rise back up, we sound our trumpets because we saw it through together. We celebrate! We cheer! We raise our glasses and give thanks.

We honor this God-given, Jesus-inspired community of women that has triumphed together in every generation since the beginning of time.

Maybe you need this picture and story too. If you are closing ranks around a vulnerable sister, or if your girls have you surrounded while you are tender, this is how we do it. We take turns in the middle. We take turns in formation. We take turns being weak. We take turns being strong.

And also like our elephant sisters, we don’t forget. We remember God’s faithfulness. We remember how Jesus told us to live. We remember who surrounded us when we were down. We remember our courage, strength, ability to bring forth new life. We remember all those women who’ve gone before us and all those behind watching us now. We don’t forget one another’s stories, because they lend us bravery and bolster our resolve. We don’t forget the power of the pack.

My friends got into hard core formation around me, and as I’m sitting here, I tell you that my time in the middle is over. My sisters closed ranks and refused to budge until I could stand again. Oh my stars did they ever stomp and kick up dirt on my behalf; I could weep just thinking of it. Fierce, so fierce. They saw me through the most fragile season, and I’ll never forget it as long as I live.

May you find your tribe, surround them and surround yourself with them, and join the chorus through the ages: there is no community like a community of women.

Putting the Basket in the Water

In the Christian faith, Easter is the crescendo of our year.  It’s our Super Bowl.  The day that makes it all worth it.  It’s the time that marks the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The day He burst forth from the tomb and conquered death.  But this past spring, as I sat in church after Easter yet still meditating on those days of old, a thought entered my mind:  It’s over now.  Jesus had been reunited with the Father.  The disciples were on their own.  The Bible gives us an account of what the disciples were thinking and doing after Jesus ascended into heaven, but what was the Lord thinking?  Was he watching over them, wondering, ‘Was it enough?  Did they get it?  Did I teach them everything they needed to know to do this on their own?’  As these thoughts continued to run through my mind, I couldn’t help but make the connection to the thoughts we often feel as parents embarking on the next phase of our child’s life.  ‘Did I teach him enough?  Did we spend enough time together?  Was she listening?’
The realization I had that day that Jesus truly and fully does know what we feel as parents was overwhelming.  When he said goodbye to His disciples, He was putting the basket in the water and trusting both the plan of the Father and the direction of the Spirit.
So what does it mean to put the basket in the water?  Back in the time of Moses, Pharaoh felt threatened by the Israelites and ordered all the midwives to kill any baby boys born to the Israelite people by drowning them in the Nile River.  But Moses’ mother wouldn’t have it.  She hid him as long as she could, and when she could no longer hide him, she put him in a basket and put the basket in the water among the reeds of the Nile.  The very river that could have drowned him was now his refuge.  She had no idea what would happen to her baby, but she trusted the plan of the Father.  As we know, baby Moses was drawn out of the water and would one day grow to become one of the greatest heroes of the Bible – the one who would rescue God’s people from slavery and lead them to the Promised Land.
Here’s what we can learn from this as parents:  There comes a time – many times, actually – in the lives of our children where we have to put the basket in the water.  We have to let go and trust the plan of the Father.  The world is a scary place – a place where we fear our children could drown.  But we must remember that we have to let go so that God can draw them from the waters for His great purpose.  He has called us to be their parents, but they were His first.  (For more on this, see 3 Ways to Stop Worrying About Your Children.)
After Jesus ascended into heaven, he was no longer human.  He had been fully reconciled to the Father and wasn’t experiencing human emotions and doubts anymore.  He obviously wasn’t questioning if He had done enough for His children during His time with them.  But how?  Before Jesus left His disciples for the last time, he gave them one final instruction; we call it the Great Commission.  “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.” One last shot at being sure they knew what they needed to do.  But that’s not the end.  He closes His parting salutation with this, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  (Matthew 28:18-20)  They might not be together physically anymore, but He would always be with them, always watching, always petitioning the heart of the Father on their behalf.   And He was leaving the Spirit with them – a Helper for them, who would continue to teach them  and help them remember all He had said.  (John 14:26)
My friend, whatever water you may be getting ready to put your basket into – whether your days as a stay-at-home-mom are ending as your child starts preschool soon or if your baby has grown into a high school graduate and is getting ready to leave your home – remember that you have to put them in the water for God to draw them out and place them into His perfect plan. Though you might not be physically present with your child as much during the next phase of life, you can always petition the heart of the Father on their behalf.  And when you do this, that same Spirit that Jesus left with His disciples – that same Helper – intercedes for you, and in that you can find peace. After all, you’re entrusting your child to the same One with whom Jesus entrusted His disciples. You’re directly following the example set by Jesus.  Job well done, friend.
Author: Ashlei Woods

Homecoming Week, Yearbooks, ER's and Tommy!

Whew...we just completed a whirlwind week.

Homecoming!  Non-stop activities, dress up day, football games,  intramurals, handing out of the yearbooks, a parade, a pep rally....and a dance.  AND to top it off, Tommy flew home on Friday night for the weekend.  I just got home from running him to the airport.

Here are a few pictures from it all....more than a few!

Class color day...Blue, pink and orange!

 Dress like your parent day...pretty sure they nailed their Dad's look in these!

 Farm dress up day had Drew digging up Scott's old FFA jacket and OSU belt buckle.   He won that day for his class as best dressed.  

 Farm Dress up day...corn from the Shisler farm and Wayne County Fair ribbons...Max won in his class.  I can't say that his classmate Miah looks all that thrilled.

 Jack had a JV game on Monday night.  He plays center #71

 Generation day...Jack had the 60's so he was representing with Speed Racer!

 Max had Hat day and opted for the Sombrero.  

 Volleyball intramurals, Drew played for the senior boys and was an excellent asset to his team.  Being 6'4 and athletic certainly did not hurt.  They won!

Drew was also one of the Coaches for the girls powderpuff team.  They also won the championship.  I love how the seniors prayed before their game.  THIS is the stuff that matters. 

On Thursday, we passed out the 2016-17 yearbooks!  We pass them out in the fall so that we can include graduation and summer sports in it!  It is a labor to orchestrate this all year long as the advisor.  I am doing it again this year, but this will be my last.  I have been doing it for 4 years and I will be retiring. 

 Scott drove the boys' truck in the parade carrying football players and managers.  Jack rode in the front with him.  

look in the bottom right hand corner of this shot...the joy of being in a small school that K-12 is together and little brothers can join big brothers center court as they emcee.  

 Drew was the emcee of the pep rally after the parade....

 Someone may need to tell Max that he is NOT a senior, therefore he does NOT need to run out for the spirit trophy that they won Homecoming week...lol.

 ..and again Max with the seniors.  Class of 2018

grabbed this guy for a quick pic at the end of the rally

The game was canceled on Friday night due to weather and then rescheduled for Saturday, where the weather ended up being even worse.  Max and I used my "Yearbook Press Pass" as an excuse to stay warm in the press box.  The announcer is a friend of ours and let Max help some.  He loved it and I loved being warm. 

Our sweet friend Morgan Durick was crowned Homecoming Queen, I loved being on the field to capture photos for the yearbook...and for her Mom.  

And finally...the dance.  Jack went with a group of friends.  No date.  He had a fun time.  He did tell me that the dance was "over rated" but he had fun going out to dinner with friends and then he had a few friends over after the dance to spend the night.  

Drew and the senior guys....

 Drew and some of his best girl friends in the senior class.  He has taken 3 of these girls as dates to dances. :)  

 The seniors decided to rent a party bus and do a progressive dinner this year.  No one took dates and they went from house to house eating....it was so much fun.  A bit challenging to get photos of that large of a group.  But it was worth it.

Sunday night was going to be a night to rest, until Max slammed his hand in the car door.  Bloody and screaming we went to the ER...gratefully his hand was NOT broken and they glued the cut vs stitches.  So 2 hours later we were back home.  Max always wants Bear and his Jackie when he is hurt.  

 Monday, NO SCHOOL...so Chick-fil-A at the mall.  

Monday night Jack had his last JV game and Tommy got to see him play!  Love having all of my people in ONE place!

Whew...it was a crazy weekend.  But filled with so much FUN!